The Double-Down Sandwich, A Review

Sitting here, gazing at the haphazardly thrown together collection of chicken and cheese before me, I must wonder by what thought process I come by to decide to procure one of these alleged sandwiches. It's a bright and sunny day. I don't have to work. Waiting for my girlfriend to return home. There's plenty of food in the fridge and I do love my Dean's Chocolate Drink (milk is for pussies). What kind and just God would allow this...thing to exist? It's two pieces of chicken with bacon, goddamned BACON, in the middle. What sick mind came up with this? How could such an affront to our intestinal welfare exist?

The sandwich itself also comes with what is known as a "Colonel's Sauce". Expunging any mental images coming from the dark, seedy corner of my mind of the Colonel, moaning in exasperated pleasure as he dispenses his trademark sauce onto the chicken, I took note of the sauce's color and flavor- It's the Big Mac sauce, without chunks of stuff, but add pepperjack! My mental image of the Colonel now expanding two-fold in wrongness, featuring Ray Kroc with with Colonel performing a duo-ballet of wrongness into the sauce vat, I prepared to brave my first bite.

My mind raced with questions.

Could I handle this?
Will this sandwich be my undoing?
Will the first thing I see when I visit hell be the Colonel, bending Satan over for a special surprise squirt of the Colonel's Sauce?

Grasping this greasy, unholy amalgamation and feeling chills of apprehension take hold, I took my first bite...

I can see through time.

The taste of pork, chicken, cheese, and Colonel Sanders overwhelmed my senses. I began to feel dizzy, as if my psyche was penetrated by the spirits of the many chicken to fall prey to Sanders' poultrymaniacal empire. Regaining some of my composure I took another bite, this time hitting a nexus of sauce. I fell to the floor, heady with pleasure but my stomach writhing in agony.

"No more! No more!", voices from the stomach shouted at me. "We cannot handle this creation!"

"You will endure!" I shouted back, mildly delusional from the copious amounts of chicken. "I paid goddamned close to $5.50 on this thing and we ARE going to finish it!"

Before my stomach could respond I grasped the blight upon good health and ingested another helping the Colonel's attack on humanity.

My stomach growling in protest and vision blurring from sensory overload a vision came to me. It was of a meadow. Rolling green hills, songbirds in the distance. There was Colonel Sanders. Arm open, bright light illuminating his pristine white suit. "C'mere, you're home now boy." I ran towards him, eager for his warm embrace just to know the feeling that everything will be all right. The Double Down sandwich is here to help right the wrongs of this world. I trust the Colonel." Nearing the visage of our flavor savior my illusion was shattered. A pit opened beneath me, flames shooting up from beneath. The sounds of the unspoken horrors that babble and gurgle in the night surrounded me and darkness began to engulf me. I looked up to catch one final glimpse of the Colonel- twisted and warped from bright and merciful lord of taste and turned into an Elder God, of sorts, that promises nothing but pestilence and dread for your digestive system. My world was shattered at the sight of this Eldritch beast. Cursing Sanders' name I plunged further into the abyss of cardiovascular distress, intestinal trauma, and "SERIOUS WTF ALMOST $6 FOR A SANDWHICH!!!!!!!!!SHIFT!ONE!".

Suddenly I awoke. Fallen prostrate before the box emblazoned with the smiling image of the Colonel. I found myself naked with the KFC logo carved into my cheek. Attempting to regain my composure, and clothes, I found the walls of my apartment smeared with chicken grease.

"What hath Sanders wrought?" I mused out loud; hoping, in vain, for an answer that would never come. I climbed to my feet and staggered to the bathroom, hoping that my body would not give up on me and purge the devils that I introduced to it. I only hope that my will is strong enough to exorcise the Colonel's demons at the porcelain alter. Pray for me, for I know not what awaits me.

In summary- The Double Down sandwich is a mix of tangy, greasy, cheesy, and not all that bad. The price tag is kinda high for a sandwich but it did manage to fill me up. It's ultimately unhealthy but, after all, it is fast food and none of that stuff is good for you. Official Rating- 7.5/10.